How A Jedi and a Schitzo Elf Saved the World ?
by Two High Hobbits
Summary: A stupid story about a Jedi and her friend the schitzo elf written by a LOTR fan who knows nothing about Star Wars. I would like to publicly apologize to all Star Wars Fans beforehand...
1. Chicken Cheese Fajitas

DISCLAIMER: Duh, I don't own LOTR or Star Wars or anything affiliated with them. Also, just so you devoted Star Wars fans know, I am a simple- minded, rabid LOTR fan who knows next to nothing about your precious obsession. Please do not write me angry reviews, attack my house in an angry mob, or tie me in a chair and make me watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the heinous crime I have committed. Thank you and good day.  
  
Now for.  
  
THE STORY  
  
One dark November night in the city of Ithilien (AFTER the King Returned, by the way) in a small, crowded apartment, a lonely Jedi knight named Julia sat in her kitchen, contemplating the meaning of life and eating a chicken cheese fajita with extra guacamole.  
  
Julia's life was a sad story. She had no parents, (though there was substantial evidence that she was the only child of Arwen Undomiel and Jar Jar Binks) a sucky job (governing good and evil throughout the universe, and running a small Quik-E-Mark), and one sad, pathetic friend, an elf, who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment.  
  
She was listening, as she always did on Saturday nights, to Ricky Martin, but even his Latino beats couldn't pep her up. She was depressed.  
  
All of the sudden, as Julia was about to take a last bite from her greasy, carbohydrate-laden supper, the doorbell rang, as it usually does in the point in the story.  
  
"I'm coming." she yelled to whoever was there, and began to walk to the door. Unfortunately, the door was kicked over before she could answer it.  
  
It was Molly. (Actually, her name was really a complex, 431-syllable Quenyan tongue-twister, but everyone called her Molly. In case you hadn't guessed, this was the same elf who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment. As it turned out, she also happened to be possessed by Fëanor, the same guy who caused the revolt of the Noldor)  
  
"Sorry about the door. It was Fëanor's fault! No it wasn't! Yes it was! No it wasn't! Yes it was! You cowering fool, it was your fault! And if you do not stop belittling Fëanor, Fëanor will show you what pain felt like back in first age! Sorry, my lord, I am sorry for doubting your greatness. I cower before thee.Beg! I beg to thee! Lick the soles of my feet and then I will forgive thee! Yes master."  
  
Julia didn't really want to look as Molly started to lick the soles of her own feet. She turned around and went back to the kitchen to finish her fajita.  
  
"Wait!" Said Molly, "I have something to tell-Lick, fiend, lick! Yes my lord-but I must tell-I will not let you go until my feet are sparkling clean! Yes, my lord, I'm licking, I'm licking."  
  
Julia sighed. It was impossible to get any information out of Molly, as her significant other was always getting in the way. "Fëanor, let Molly tell me what she needs to. Then she can lick your feet as much as you want. You will let Molly stop licking your feet. You will."  
  
"I will let Molly stop licking my feet."  
  
"Thank you for cooperating. Now what was it you need to tell me?" Julia asked Molly.  
  
"Well, first of all, I gotta say, those Jedi Mind Powers, pretty cool!"  
  
"It's a perk." Julia said. "Ok. Spill."  
  
Molly gulped. "It is with a heavy heart that I bear this news unto me. We must gather together Legolas son of Thranduil, Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Bill the Pony because.*gulp*.because, Hey, is that a chicken cheese fajita you're eating?"  
  
Food was Molly's weakness, a strange characteristic for any elf, who usually order garden burgers without the bun, check sixty times to make sure they don't contain any carbohydrates, and then eat one bite an poke at it with a fork a couple of times before feeding it to a hobbit.  
  
"Yes, but you can't have it until you tell what the motive for this quest is!"  
  
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSE????????" Molly said in her most adorable voice. Julia was about to surrender the fajita to her when all of the sudden Fëanor yelled "You fool! Tell her the information before I make you lick my feet again!!!! Yes my lord. anything my lord.."  
  
"Well?" said Julia, what was now impatiently tapping her foot to the Ricky Martin song in the background. "What is it!"  
  
Molly gulped a third time.  
  
"CUT THE GULPING PUNK!"  
  
"Ok, ok! Serenity, who, in case you didn't know, is your evil twin sister from Switzerland, and Lord Zappia, your evil sixth grade science teacher, just in case you forgot, have joined arms and are cooking up a plot to.gasp.TAKE OVER MIDDLE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!" Molly said breathlessly. Then she fainted, but awoke again as Fëanor chimed in, booming "Now, fool! Now you will continue to lick my feet!"  
  
Julia was dumbfounded. Serenity and Lord Zappia were powerful forces of evil on their own, but together? How could this possibly be completed? How would she, and her hapless companion, convince those three great heroes to join forces with them? (After all, they were all now big celebrities) Would she have time to finish her fajita?  
  
Julia sure wished she could answer all those questions, but Molly was still licking Fëanor's feet (actually, they were her feet) and Julia decided to leave her alone before Fëanor decided to kill them all.  
  
TBC  
  
Authorie person friend (person who was based on Molly): Hello! Ok please review and if you really want to send a flame make the flame be somehow tied to constructive feedback. (A word I learned in second grade!() Once again please please please reviews! And once again apologies to all then rabid star wars fans who have some how been offended by my friends complete and udder distortion of a perfectly fine Jedi knight. (To tick you off even more, we don't even know how to spell the name of those light beam thingies they hurl around! If someone could tell us it would be much appreciated!) So hopefully we will see you at the next post.. or maybe you've had enough of this stupid story and will never read it again! But hopefully that won't happen and we can all get along! Yea! Bye bye! 


	2. The Car

Ch2.- The Car  
  
DISCLAIMER: Once again, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT STAR WARS!!!!!!! So don't get mad at me! Thanks! (oh yeah, and I don't own any of the trademarked items in this story)  
  
When Molly had finally been allowed by Fëanor to stop licking her feet, Julia had already packed for the two of them to ride to Gondor, though their mounts were sort of pathetic.  
  
"Remind me again why we're riding on Great Danes?" Molly asked.  
  
"You are right." Julia said. "Screw the Great Danes."  
  
"Finally you have made a good decision, mortal!" Fëanor said.  
  
"Sorry." Said Molly.  
  
A couple of minutes later they found themselves in a Toyota dealership. Molly had started to slap herself (Fëanor had been insulted by her once again) but Julia was paying no attention, as she was deep in thought over which model of Landcruiser to buy.  
  
"Look, lady, it's 3 o'clock in the morning. I wasn't hired here to watch crazy people who think they're from Star Wars stare at a couple of Toyotas!" the salesman whined. He was started to get really angry.  
  
"You will allow me to continue contemplating my choice." Julia said, not even having to turn around.  
  
"I will." said the salesman as he walked away.  
  
"Julia *slap* don't you *slap* think that *slap* LESS TALKING MORE SLAPPING! Yes, my lord."  
  
"How about the late Third age model? Do you like that one?" Julia said, turning to Molly.  
  
"OOHH! GET THE RED ONE GET THE RED ONE!!!!!"  
  
"Well, Fëanor seems to like it."  
  
"Yes! Whatever! *slap* Just *slap* get it! *slap slap*"  
  
"Salesman!" Julia yelled.  
  
"Yes?!" The salesman said testily.  
  
"You will let me have this car for free since I have no money.. You will." She began making weird gestures with her fingers.  
  
"I will." said the salesman in a dazed voice. He then handed her the car keys to the late 3rd age red (yes red) Landcruiser.  
  
"Thanks a million!" Julia said. She dug into her pockets, retrieving a penny, three Twix wrappers, two wads of gum, a couple of used tissues and a bottle cap. She in turn placed these items on the salesman's outstretched hand. "Molly! Get in the car! Time is waning! We ride to Gondor!" Julia cried to her companion.  
  
"Yea! Goodie! I love car rides! A car?!?! Why, back in my days we had to use our own two feet to get where we were going! We didn't have any of these fancy contraptions! Where are the horses! I demand a valiant steed!" Molly/ Fëanor said.  
  
"It has air conditioning, multiple speakers, and a DVD player." Julia explained.  
  
"Oh Oh! Can I get my own cup holder?!?!?!" Molly screamed like a child on Christmas.  
  
"Well, I'm feeling generous today. Sure, why not?"  
  
"HOORAY! LIFE IS GOOD! Cup holders, you say? Perhaps my mind has been changed..."  
  
"Just get in the car." Julia said. Molly eagerly climbed into the passenger's seat.  
  
They were about halfway to Gondor when Molly noticed that all of the cars on the road had been crushed. "Uh, Julia, do you know how to drive?" she asked.  
  
"Let's pretend." Said Julia.  
  
TBC 


End file.
